Alan’s corner: Conflict resolution

At a recent strategy refresh meeting, the team and I were exploring goals for the year ahead. Since the spike in online activity during Covid-19, we’ve been giving more airtime to digital.

Based on his team’s experiences with online activities, the sales director had a lot to say about our IT platform, its functionality and challenges. The system wasn’t perfect and it was causing frustrations internally as well as among customers.

However, the IT director reacted badly to the feedback. She became defensive and took the comments personally, exacerbating the conflict.

Cut to another scenario with a different client: I was aware that an important project was running behind schedule. The project owner was highly stressed about it and told me in advance what the obstacles were.

Essential ingredients coming from the Far East were both late and more expensive than what was budgeted for. I expected him to raise this issue at a forthcoming meeting, but he didn’t.

When I enquired later, he told me that he wasn’t comfortable being yelled at in front of people by the supply chain director, who he claimed was a bully. This is another example of conflict but avoided on this occasion.

I listened to a recent interview with Dr Deborah Birx, the White House Coronavirus Response Coordinator under President Donald Trump. She described the tension and misinformation that was touted during her time on the team and of course, her reaction to Trump’s ‘inject bleach’ suggestion is public knowledge. Because she told her truth to the nation, she faced the brunt of it. We also know how all of that panned out.

The impact of conflict

While my examples might be different, I’ve no doubt that these scenarios are real for many. Conflict is not just disagreement. Conflict arises when differences of opinion become protracted. When it arises, or when it is avoided or not handled effectively, it can lead to all sorts of missed deadlines. It also leads to poor morale, low engagement and unnecessary stress.

Conflict is a natural and normal part of our lives. After all, we can’t all possibly be compatible and agree on everything. We all have our own thinking styles, opinions, preferences, attitudes, perceptions and behavioural responses. I like Robert de Niro, you might prefer Tom Hanks. I like Germany, you might prefer France. I might prioritise investment in IT, you might believe that we should hire more salespeople. I might want to expand into a new territory and you might prefer to add more products to the portfolio instead. My understanding of the cause of a problem may well be different to yours.

Somehow, our organisation culture needs to reflect these differences, where healthy conflict is encouraged and enabled. Without effective conflict, groupthink can emerge. Groupthink happens when discussions in a group setting go unchallenged, leading to poor-quality decision-making.

Tips to resolve conflict

The key to successful conflict resolution is always communication.

Manage your emotions. Control your tone and keep a level voice. Shouting will get you nowhere. Feelings of anger, hurt or sadness are sometimes unavoidable. While it’s okay to let the other party know how you feel, don’t expect them to react with sympathy. Using it as a tactic to win them over seldom works.

Listen to understand. Take time to understand the other party’s point of view. Ask questions and listen carefully without interruption. Ask even more questions for clarity, rather than to catch them out. Accept that it’s okay for others to have a different perspective from you.

Disagree kindly. Articulate your point of view clearly and concisely. Choose your words carefully if you don’t agree. ‘I disagree with you’ or ‘you’re wrong’ are much more contentious than ‘I see it differently’. With the latter, you’re owning it rather than being accusatory.

Agree to differ. Offer your point of view, but focus on practical issues, not abstract ones. ‘I think we should explore a new territory, because…’ is much more meaningful than ‘I think we should expand’. Find the areas of agreement and acknowledge them. If you still cannot agree after reasoning, then agree to differ, and let it go.

Apologise. If you are clearly wrong, then admit it. Don’t hesitate to accept your faults and be the first to apologise. Humility often goes a long way in rebuilding a relationship.

Think win-win. Have a mindset that leads to a win for both parties. What goes around often comes around. If one party feels they have unfairly lost the argument, they just may seek retribution at some other time.

The last word

For this article, I’ve concentrated on managing conflict between two peers, where hierarchy is not an issue. But of course, conflict might also occur between you and your boss.

Now that can be difficult. We can only hope that your boss is a mature and confident person who is mature enough to be able to acknowledge differences, or even admit to being wrong.

Otherwise, you need to be proactive and find the opportunity to deal with it. Use the organisation’s goals and values to support you.

Company values determine how you should behave in given situations, so refresh them in advance. And if you link your point of view to a previously agreed business objective, that should also help.

Alan O’Neill is the managing director of Kara, change consultant and speaker